Girlfriend in a Coma
by Queen K
Summary: Xander feels guilty when Cordelia is attacked and put in a coma. Will she make it?


_Girlfriend in a coma, I know   
I know - it's serious   
Girlfriend in a coma, I know   
I know - it's really serious   
_

  


I stared. Not at anything in particular, just into space. If I could cry, I would have, only I couldn't feel anything at all. I was totally numb. So I just sat in the waiting room, waiting. Praying to God, or anyone else that wanted to listen, that she would be all right.  
  
A doctor appeared before me. I wasn't sure where he had come from, I wasn't really paying close attention to my surroundings. I stood up slowly, hoping for the best but preparing myself for the worst.  
  
The doctor placed his hand on my shoulder and smiled gently at me. This was never good. "Doctor, is she.. is she.." I couldn't spit the word out. Dead. I couldn't say it out loud, it was as if it was a poison.  
  
"No, son," the doctor replied. "She's not dead. But she's not doing so well. She's lost a lot of blood, and the head trauma was severe. I'm afraid she's in a coma."  
  
I swallowed his words like a brick. It was my fault, all my fault. How could I let this happen to her? Oh right, because of my pride and jealousy. I loathed myself at that moment for letting my insecurities bring harm to her.  
  
"She could go either way," the doctor continued. "I really can't say right now. I'd give it 24 hours. If she's stabilized, she'll make it. If not, I'm afraid we may have lost her. I'm sorry, son. I'll be back soon to let you know when you can see her." The doctor patted my shoulder and walked away. He probably was used to delivering terrible news, he did it on a daily basis.  
  
I sat back down, or rather, I fell into my seat. I couldn't believe what was happening. This was the second time I had put Cordelia into the hospital. I was a terrible person, and she was probably going to die because of it.  
  
_There were times when I could   
Have murdered her   
But you know, I would hate   
Anything to happen to her _  
_  
_

************  
  


It had all happened earlier that night. It was a screamingly normal night, and the seven of us were packed into the library, researching a new demon: Buffy, Willow, Oz, Giles, Wesley, Cordy and I. It was a hot and sticky June night, not the most comfortable of situations. For the most part, we were using the old musty books to fan ourselves instead of reading them.  
  
Cordelia had been flirting viscously with Wesley all night, which he was enjoying immensely. I, on the other hand, was about to strangle someone. I really couldn't figure Cordy out. She seemed to like Wesley a lot, though I couldn't see why. Then again, maybe she was just trying to make me jealous. But why would she do that? She was over me, and showed it by insulting me every chance she got.  
  
"Aah, aah ha!" We all looked up from our books and turned to Wesley, who was waving his finger and smiling. What a loser.  
  
"Got a tip, Wes?" Buffy asked, tapping her fingernails on the table. Wesley smiled his smarmy smile. "As a matter of fact, I think I do have something. It says here that our friend Gortegia cannot be killed by any mortal weapons!"  
  
We all stared at him. He frowned. "Oh. Well, that is bad," he said, sitting back down.  
  
"Yeah, that'll really help us," Buffy rolled her eyes. With a look from Giles, she quickly added, "I mean, uh, thanks for finding that out, though." Wesley smiled at her, and Cordelia smiled at Wesley. "He's so smart," she said, not to anyone in particular.  
  
I rolled my eyes for about the hundreth time that night. "Yeah Cor, he's just *so* brill." Cordelia's head snapped up from her book. "He's smarter than you'll ever be," she tossed back at me.  
  
"Guys," Oz cut in, knowing full well that once we got started, there was no turning back. We didn't listen. We should have.  
  
"Gee Cor, that really hurt. Next time, why don't you try a not-fourth-grade defense?" I said, feeling my head start to spin. Well, not literally. That would be gross.  
  
She just gave me a look that said 'You're a total idiot' and went back to reading her book. I wasn't finished, though. "Don't have anything for me?" When she stood up from the table and slammed her book down, I knew I should've shut up.  
  
"Sure, Xander, I've got something for ya," she started out calmly enough, but I could see she was just holding her temper. "How about this? You are a lying, cheating, back stabbing son of a bitch! How's THAT for ya?!"  
  
Everyone sat there, looking very uncomfortable, including me. What could I say to that? It was kind of... well, true. Still, there was nothing worse than looking like a loser in front of your friends. But before I could say anything in my defense, Willow spoke up.  
  
"Please, both of you, just calm down." She looked at me pleadingly, knowing I was about to blow.  
  
Cordelia looked at Willow venomously. "Stay out of it, Willow. Don't think for one second that I consider you innocent."  
  
I had had it. I stood up so suddenly that my chair fell. "Shut up, Cordy! I am so sick of your bitchy comments! Gee, do you still wonder why I cheated on you? You're a heartless wench!"  
  
The library went dead silent. Everyone sat, looking at their hands, and playing Anywhere But Here in their heads. Cordelia and I just glared at each other. I felt a small twinge of satisfaction inside me, thinking that I had won. But the moment I saw a tear escape Cordelia's eye, I felt awful.  
  
She wiped the tear away quickly, hoping I hadn't seen it. "Excuse me," she said softly, as she picked up her purse and escaped from the library as fast as she could. I felt like a vicious... thing. I should have just let her say what she wanted and take it with a grain of salt. Now I've gone too far, and I've hurt her again.  
  
I looked around the table. Willow and Oz were staring at the table, Buffy was staring at me, Giles was pretending to read a book, and Wesley was giving me the evil eye. I had to get out.  
  
"I'm gonna go. Sorry everyone, that was... not on the menu." I grabbed my satchel and left.  
  
When I got to my mom's car in the parking lot, I heard a scream. A terrible, piercing, scream. Not to be confused with a Backstreet Boys fan. I ran as fast as I could around the corner, but it was too late. I saw her on the ground. She was shredded pretty badly, and was bleeding from the head. She was unconcious. "HELP!!" I screamed as loud as I could as I ran to Cordy.  
  


_************_  


  
_Do you really think   
She'll pull through?  
Do you really think   
She'll pull through?   
Do...  
  
_Only moments after I found her, Buffy and the rest of the gang came running. They had heard the screams. We rushed her to the hospital, and on the way, Giles informed us that it must have been Gortegia that had maimed her. A vampire couldn't, and wouldn't, do that much damage.  
  
I held her in my lap as we drove, and she lay silently. Not moving, and barely breathing. It was the longest ride of my life.  
  
I've been here for four hours. Sitting, pacing, staring. There hasn't been much word on her condition. I'm one of the only ones left waiting. Willow and Oz left first, they made me promise to call them if there was any news. Giles and Buffy left shortly after, leaving Wesley and I alone for a while. That sure wasn't fun.  
  


_************  
  
_

Girlfriend in a coma, I know   
I know - it's serious  
My, my, my, my, my, my baby, goodbye  


  


I tapped my fingers on my knees subconsciously. Where the Hell were the doctors? Weren't they going to let me see her?  
  
I looked over at Wesley, who was sitting a few seats away, pretending to be reading the Times. I knew he was looking at me, it was obvious. And he sure didn't look happy.  
  
I sighed, and stood up. After a much needed stretch, I made my way over to him and sat down in a nearby seat. "Hey, uh, how are ya?" I asked cautiously. He glared back at me.  
  
"In order to compose my temper, I would rather not speak to you at this moment," he said, through gritted teeth.  
  
"Well, maybe the Brits don't think so, but sometimes it's a good thing to lose your temper. Within reason."  
  
Wesley nodded. "Alright. In that case, I shall tell you how I'm feeling about you right now. I feel that you are a hurtful, malevolent boy that has nothing better to do than harm Cordelia. She told me what happened before. Don't you think you've hurt the girl enough?"  
  
Oh, like I didn't feel bad enough. Did he have to rub it in my face? "Look, Wes, Cor and I have a history. It was a weird one, but not a bad one. In the end, I made a mistake. Ever make one of those, Wes? And I am way sorry for it, believe me. But does that mean I have to spend the rest of my life paying for it?"  
  
He stared straight ahead, with his pouty, 'I am the all knowledgable one' look. I hate that look. "I know you like her," I said. Might as well state the obvious. He glanced at me. "Yes. I do like Miss Chase, I am quite fond of her and I do not want to see her hurt." I nodded. "And as much as you may think otherwise, I don't want her hurt either," I said. Wesley sighed. "Do you love her?" he asked. I wasn't expecting that.  
  
"Well, yeah. I mean, she's Cordelia, there's this thing about her. Sometimes you want to kill her so much, but you end up loving her because you hate her so much. I've known her most of my life, but we were never really friends. And of course I had crushes on her, she's gorgeous. But two years ago, had you told me I would be going out with her, I would've contacted the looney ward. I guess... well, oppostites attract, you know? Yeah, I love her."  
  
Wesley just kept nodding. I hated that, I wish he'd do something else. "Then, why did you cheat on her with Willow?" he asked me. Again, a stumper. "I really don't know. I mean, things were going fine, it's not like I planned on anything to happen. Will and I were getting ready for Homecoming, and I guess I realized that, you know, this was it. Senior year. We were adults now, and I saw Willow in this different light. Not the five year old I would steal Barbies from. This beautiful woman. And it was a fluke! I didn't want it to happen again, I was happy with Cor. But it kept happening, and happened until they caught us. And it was too late."  
  
Wesley stopped nodding and looked me straight in the eye. "Xander, I care for Cordelia. I've spent time with her, and it is obvious to me that she still cares for you. If she didn't, she would not have spent her energy calling you names, and if you didn't care for her, you wouldn't either. You both love each other, and yet you are not together. I know she is mad at you, but promise me this. If she wakes up, you will make your best effort in reconciling with the girl. Become lovers or become friends. But make her happy again. She deserves it. I don't have what it takes to make her truly happy, I admit it. But you do."  
  
I felt numb again. If she wakes up... what if I never have that chance? To never see her smile again, to never hear one of her witty comebacks, to never spar with her again... I don't know if I could live.  
  
_There were times when I could   
Have strangled her   
But you know, I would hate   
Anything to happen to her  
Would you please let me see her!  
  
_

************  


  
It's been 24 hours, and I've spent the entire time in the waiting room. I've sat, I've paced, I've read, I've snacked, I've chatted with doctors. Wesley stayed for a while, but left in the afternoon to sleep a bit. The doctors won't let me see her still, but tell me she is still in her coma.  
  
I've been resting for the past half hour, my eyes closed and my head leaning back onto the hard wooden chair. When I hear someone calling my name, I open my eyes. "Mr. Harris? Is there a Harris here?" It's a nurse. "Yeah, right here!" I stand up, stretching, and make my way over to the nurse. "Is everything ok?" The nurse has no expression on her face. "Come with me, please."  
  
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.  
  
_Do you really think   
She'll pull through?   
Do you really think   
She'll pull through?   
Do ...   
Let me whisper my last goodbyes  
  
_The only thoughts that ran through my head were that she was dead, she didn't make it, and that it was all my fault. As I walked down the hall with the nurse, I hated myself.  
  
We stopped at room 317. The nurse stopped me before I could walk in. "Mr. Harris, Miss Chase has stabalized and fell out of her coma just a short time ago. We have every reason to believe she'll make a full recovery." It was a good thing I composed myself so quickly, or I would've kissed that nurse. I practically ran into the room.  
  


_************_  


  
It was like deja vu. Her, in the hospital bed, staring blankly out the window. Me, looking stupid. Only this time, no flowers. When I entered the room, she turned towards me. She didn't look as bad as she did the night before, just a little scratched up and very tired. The whole time I was in the waiting room, I had played out in my head what this moment would be like. She's smile and call me over to her bed, we'd hug, she'd kiss me, and we'd be together forever.  
  
No such luck.  
  
She scowled at me, and turned her head back to the window. "Why are you here?" she asked. I pulled up a chair. "I've been here since yesterday. Everyone left early, it was just me and Wesley. He left not too long ago."  
  
She chuckled. "And of course, my parents are out of town as usual. Funny thing, Xander, you being the only one that seemingly cares about me. What does that say about me?"   
  
"I don't think it says anything," I said.  
  
"Of course it says something. The people who are supposed to love me, my parents, my friends, are supposed to be here. They're who you want to see when you wake up from a coma. Not the person that you hate -- and the person that hates you -- the most."  
  
"That's not true," I said. "At least, not from my view point. You have lots of reasons to hate me, but I really don't have any to hate you. And I don't hate you. If I hated you, I would be home by now. But I'm here, and I've gotten no sleep, and I think I smell." I wanted to see her smile, but she remained stone cold.  
  
"Well, why don't you hate me?" she asked. I gave her a blank stare. "Xander, it would be so easy for me if you just told me you hated me. I could accept that. But if you don't hate me, then that means you just hurt me for no reason."  
  
I hated this so much. A terrible mistake had cost me months of pain -- the guilt of hurting Cordelia, emotionally and physically, the guilt of being a cheater, and having to see Cordy get over me so quickly.  
  
I slid off my chair and kneeled on the floor, so I was closer to her bed. I took her hand, and kissed it. "I am so sorry for everything, Cor. I know I never even told you that. I just left messages and tried to avoid the truth. But I am sorry, it was the worst mistake I ever made. And if you could ever forgive me, we could be so happy, I promise."  
  
Tears welled up in her eyes. She was silent for an entire minute, and that scared me. But my heart seemed to jump off the floor and back into my chest when she opened her mouth and said what she did.  
  
"I forgive you, Xander." she said. "I love you too much to not be with you."  
  
My smile was so big, I must've blinded her. I took her in my arms, gently of course, and and kissed her. And just like in my dreams, she kissed me back.  
  
_I know, I know  
it's serious  
_


End file.
